Not saying much

With alcohol-free beer as the market sector that big breweries are falling over themselves to get a piece of, it was perhaps inevitable that Ireland would get a brewery, or at least a brand, that did this and nothing else. Quiet Noise is quiet on where it's actually produced, headquartered at what used to be Boyne Brewhouse, but since no alcohol is involved could be manufactured anywhere. Again, actual information is thin on the ground, but these three appear to be completely unfermented and 0% alcohol, rather than the more usual approach of minimal fermentation or subsequent dealcoholisation.

I started on Quiet Noise Lager, which mostly looks the part, being an appetising clear golden colour. The worty sweetness common to most non-alcoholic beers is present in the aroma from the outset, and a major part of the flavour. A lemony zest effect is perhaps a nod to hops, but this tastes a long way from actual beer. With the sweetness comes a thickness: syrupy and a little cloying, while the finish completes the set of clichés with an aspirin tang. All of this I've tasted before in mass-market alcohol-free lagers and wheat beers so there's nothing new on offer from the first one. If you have a taste for typical non-alcoholic beers then this should be right up your street.

The second beer is also a lager, though Quiet Noise Pilsner promises more hop fun by way of Saaz. I'm in. Again, great visuals. A bigger glass left me at liberty to pour hard, resulting in a proper pilsner head. It's wort again on the nose, however, and no sign of the promised Saaz yet. If anything the flavour is blander here, missing the fun lemons of the previous one. Without it, the sticky malt extract turns to full-on caramel, taking it a long way from how pilsner is supposed to taste and closer to the Becks and Erdinger efforts that ruined non-alcoholic beer's reputation for so long. The aspirin tang in the finish is back, though, just to complete the picture. The promise of something out of the ordinary is not delivered upon. There is one last roll of the die to go.

That's Quiet Noise Pale Ale, promising "delicious citrus flavours of grapefruit and orange ... balanced with a refreshing bitterness". It's very pale, looking like a very basic lager in the glass. There's a definite lemon juice sharpness in the aroma, plus yet more of that aspirin. For once, the aspirin is missing from the flavour and it's light-bodied but otherwise tastes sweet, like the Lager. Although the description overpromises and it doesn't resemble pale ale any more than the others resemble lagers, this is my favourite of the three. It's refreshing and quite drinkable, even if the sweetness probably rules out drinking more than a couple.

Overall, I'm not very convinced by this lot, and they certainly don't offer anything not found in most alcohol-free beers. If they're thinking of introducing a fourth, I strongly recommend a dark one, where the inevitable sweetness won't be as jarring. Third post in a week where I've finished by asking for dark beers instead? That's how I roll.